Does stoicism actually help with grief?
Grief is a universal experience which will likely be experienced by everyone at some point in their lives. It is a natural emotional response to the loss of something that is often times irreplaceable and while this is often associated with the loss of a family member or friend, it can take many different forms from the end of a relationship, loss of a job, or another major life change. Grief is often a hard hitting emotion due to a combination of two factors:
We lose something irreplaceable and important to us
We experience grief significantly less frequently than other emotions (many people will experience grief just a handful of times yet it can have long lasting - even lifelong - impacts during their lives)
I recently have been dealing with grief following the passing of a close relative of mine, and in searching for comfort during these times of sadness, I realised that much of the wisdom within the works of the ancient Stoics could be directly applied to my situation and ease the discomfort of dealing with such a strange emotion. This article differs slightly from my others in that I’m not trying to suggest any real strategies in dealing with grief - I’m not a psychologist and definitely not qualified to offer concrete advice on dealing with grief. Rather, my goal with this article is to explore and share my experience in applying Stoic principles to the tragedy of death.
What does Stoicism teach about grief
In dealing with grief, people find comfort in a range of different ways. This could be family members, friends, therapists, religion and in their own philosophies. One such philosophy that has stood the test of time, yet often is misrepresented in the modern age is Stoicism which, at its heart, teaches that we should focus on what we can control and worry not about factors which we cannot. This dichotomy of control is pivotal in Stoicism: external events are beyond our control, but how we react to them is within our power. By cultivating an attitude of acceptance and rationality, Stoics aim to maintain inner peace regardless of external circumstances.
Anyone who is remotely tuned into the teachings of Stoicism will have read or heard the infamous phrase: “Memento Mori” which loosely translates to “Remember that you must die”. At first glance, this phrase seems like a morbid and grim concept to be teaching its readers who may very well be young, healthy and years away from death. But Memento Mori doesn’t serve the purpose of propagating the nihilistic morbidity of death, but rather to instil a sense of perspective, appreciation and purpose for the time that we do have alive. It’s phrases from Stoic literature like this that have helped so many to deal with grief. During my grieving process, I found that three facets of Stoicism were particularly useful.
1. Focus on the controllable
One of the foundational ideas of Stoicism is the distinction that forms between what is within our control and what is not. This is one of those principles which on the surface appears simple and trivial to implement but it requires a lot of thoughtful effort to fight back against the natural anxiety that can arise in unfamiliar situations. In the context of death, the fundamental Stoic principle is recognising that the fact that what has been lost or who has passed cannot be changed, and instead, we are able to control how we cope with death and how we react to it.
This is not to say that the recommendation is to not ‘grieve’ in the traditional manner and to supress all emotions, but rather to control your emotions in such a way so that you are still capable of supporting and comforting those around you who may not display the same level of control over their emotions. I’ve found this, not only to be a valuable skill in dealing with grief, but in life in general.
For me, I found that focusing on controlling thoughts and perceptions about the situation instead of ruminating on the loss to significantly help. Additionally, accepting that death is a natural process and embracing its inevitability can help mitigate the shock and pain associated with loss.
2. Find strength in virtue
The Stoic philosophy is rooted in four virtuous traits: Wisdom, courage, justice and temperance. Applying these four virtues in the context grief is a powerful way of dealing with the complex emotion. Let’s start with wisdom: Here we can use logic and reason to understand that grief, while painful and uncomfortable, is a natural response to loss.
Courage allows us to face grief head-on with bravery and gives us the ability to allow ourselves to feel the emotions that come with grief without letting them overwhelm us. Justice pushes us to honour the memory of the person lost by living in a way that reflects their positive qualities and contributions and in a way that would make them proud of the legacy that they left upon us. Finally, temperance: Practice self-control and balance the expressions of grief. Avoid excessive indulgence in hedonic escapism, aiming instead for a balanced approach to mourning, always pushing forward to a better version of yourself.
3. Reflect on the impermanence of life
As mentioned in the introduction, one of the most infamous phrases in Stoicism is Momento Mori (remember that you must die). Reflecting on this regularly may seem morbid, nihilistic or unnecessarily negative but I disagree. I found that the important factor in considering Momento Mori is how it is framed. Sure, it could evoke a sense of dread or worry, but if framed correctly it can instill a sense of perspective and appreciation for the time we have. I also find that regularly practicing displaying gratitude and reflecting on positive experiences and the lessons learned from them to be massively beneficial.
Finally, one thing that Stoicism also teaches is the interconnectedness of the natural world in a sort of proto-deterministic philosophy. To recognise that every life is part of a larger whole (i.e the natural order) is to find comfort in the idea that your loved one continues to exist in the grand scheme of things - maybe not in an afterlife but definitely re-embedded into nature.
Conclusion
Grief is an inevitable part of the human experience, but applying Stoic principles, can help us navigate the difficult journey through grief with greater resilience, wisdom, and inner peace. Focusing on what we can control, embracing virtues and reflecting on the impermanence of life can provide a sense of solace and perspective. In the face of grief, Stoicism offers a framework that empowers us to transform our pain into a source of strength and growth, honoring those that we have lost by living our own life with purpose and integrity.